I made a mistake last night.  Having consumed far too much alcohol I looked through the phonebook on my phone and inadvertently dialled ex's number.  I hung up as soon as I realised but it was long enough to have registered as a call on his phone.  So this morning there has been an exchange of text messages asking "if I'm looking to speak to him" Apparently he also received some withheld calls last night and again this morning.  I admitted to one call last night but can truthfully say the others weren't me.  I'm annoyed with myself now, really should not have been so stupid, but I guess alcohol and emotions don't mix. 

I don't think this has opened a line of communication between us, my messages to him were short and to the point and his last message simply said "ok - i don't answer withheld.  Hope yr ok x"  Why did I think about calling him last night, apart from the amount of alcohol? Because I still miss him.  I miss being able to talk to him, we were usually on the same wavelength and held the same opinions, but most of all I miss being held by him.  A couple of my male colleagues gave me a hug last night but it wasn't the same.  For some stupid reason I wanted to be held in his arms, feeling, safe, protected, wanted.  I said it was stupid but there you have it.

So today I now have only myself to blame for feeling down.  I know it's up to me to change the way I feel and it's something I've really got to make a priority but with nothing planned for the rest of the weekend, I also know it's not going to be easy!