Apologies to start with, didn't realise this post would turn out to be quite so 'miserable' but hey, it's my blog and it's a true reflection!

I knew that this time of the year would be a struggle, but I hadn't figured it would be quite so bad.

I've never been the type of person who has lots of friends, male or female, my only constant companion over the last 22 years has been my ex.  I have a couple of friends who have 'drifted' in and out of my life over this time and I now consider them to be my 'close' friends, but even close friends must be fed up of my constant lows and they have their own lives to lead.

I guess it's just that Christmas makes you focus on family, and this year my 'family unit of two' fell apart.  

So I guess I could have half expected some sort of reaction from ex after sending him a parcel and I really should just bury my head in the sand and allow this to pass.  If I'm honest maybe I actually wanted a reaction, at least it would be a form of contact from him, but I hadn't figured on the amount of hurt it would stir up again or the amount of tears I could still cry.

A letter had been deleivered to my Mom's and I knew it was from him; it was.  It contains 2 Christmas cards, one addressed to my parents and one for me.

It is simply signed - love ex + the cats xxx , however it's the printed verse which has touched a nerve

Just wanted to say "Hello"
and add a greeting, too.
To wish a Happy Christmas
to someone as nice as you.

Another of my 'faults' I always have been too nice!  It's something we used to laugh about together - well I guess the laugh is on me now!

I agreed to be bought out of the marital home at a price I knew ex could afford because I am 'nice'.  I did not spoil last year's Christmas dinner even though I had just discovered his adultery, because I am nice.  I allowed him to give my mobile phone number to the 'tart' to prevent her carrying out her threat of claiming sexual harassment at work, because I am nice.  I stood by him and gave him support while waiting for his hiv test results because I am nice. 

Something tells me that there is a fine line between being nice and being a doormat.  I can't change the way I feel, I still love him deeply and think part of me always will but I can't carry on like this either.  I want to start living again, I want to be happy.