Spoke to one of my girlfriends last night who suffers from epilepsy and had unfortunately had another fit on Thursday.  She happened to mention that she knew ex was on annual leave from work and that he would be breaking up again on 7th Dec and not returning until the New Year due to the amount of leave he has to use up.  As she's had a rough couple of days couldn't bring myself to tell her to 'shut up' so just made the 'right noises' and tried to change the conversation.

Before ex and I separated, I must confess that there were times when I'd imagined I was single again.  I'd plan the people I'd meet up with again, the things I'd do and how happy I'd be.  Little did I realise that trying to untangle 20 odd years of a relationship could cause so many lows!  In my 'dreams' there was one guy I would end up with.  Someone from my past who had loved me with such passion I felt I had been burnt.  I have managed over the years to 'keep track' of him (let me call him V) and know where he works and lives although at times our 'friendship' has been strained, we have never gone back to being lovers, for all my fantasies about him, I was never unfaithful while married.

Anyway, we have met up on a few occasions this year and he knows my circumstances., although we have not been in touch over the past 6 months.  He can't believe it has taken me so long to get rid of ex, but hey!  He doesn't know that I was seeing ex again or anything about the prostitute episode.  But having seen him again, I now realise that my dreams were unrealistic, maybe it just seemed as if the grass was greener on the other side.

The problem I have is that at times like these, coming up to Christmas, and of a weekend, I am lonely.  I know if I was to contact V he would be there for me, but would that really be the right thing to do, wouldn't I just be using him?  I so much want to be held, I miss being kissed.  I also know that V still has feelings for me.  In fact at a guess I would say that he feels about me, the way I feel about ex.  I also don't want to give him false hopes or lead him on but I so crave the company of a man.  I know people will say that if I'm honest about my feelings with him then the decision should be his, but I also know that if in time, ex was to contact me as 'just a friend' regardless of what he'd said, I still be hoping for more.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so bloody nice.  If I'd taken my own feelings into consideration a bit more then maybe I wouldn't be in this mess now.  Deep down I know that I won't contact V, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else.