...was not as expected!  The line-dancing itinery was a mistake so no need to have taken the cowboy hat!!  There was a total of 16 of us on the coach and when I got on there was a cheer and someone announced that I'd lowered the average age by 20 years!

The hotel was ok, my room looked over the marina which was nice, but sitting in the dining room by myself took a little bit of getting used to!  My fellow holidaymakers were all pleasant enough and the weather was good, but was it really what I needed? in hindsight I'm not sure.

So my reason for going away was to escape from ex's birthday, but did I manage to do that?  Truthfully, No!  I was on an all day excursion on his birthday taking in Buckfast Abbey and Plymouth.  Strange when the only company you have is your own, how your thoughts stray.  I was given a candle to light in the Abbey and my mind went into overdrive as to who or what to dedicate it to!  Anyway, the day passed ok, until I received a text from him on the evening.  'Thanx for my bday card x.  Miss you xXx'  Immediate reaction, again, sending me straight to the bathroom.  Ok so receiving the message was no surprise, but why oh why does he have to add the extra 'bits' on?  Working things out I realised that apart from this birthday, we had been together for the previous 22, hence my logic for not being around for this one. 

I thought that being away I would be able to concentrate on me, on finding out who I am.  It was a comment that was made to me and at the time I believed it, that I needed to find out who I was as an individual and not as part of a couple.  But I recently read a post on here from someone who said that just because their circumstances had changed it didn't mean that they had to re-discover themselves, they were never lost in the first place.  It started me wondering if I 'need to find myself' or if infact I am still the same person allbeit without a husband? 

My gut reaction is that I do have to change.  My hopes and dreams for the future, my working life, my standard of living, were all based on being with my husband and now I don't have him, I don't have the future I thought I was going to have, so I have to change, to adapt, to make do for the time being and re-evaluate what is important to me and where I want to be.  So, I guess I don't know who I am. I know who I was, now I have to decide who I want to be and how I'm going to achieve it!